Thoughts Before My Final (Word Vomit)

Why don’t I ever focus? Do I just honestly care so little? I think my faith that things will always work out permits my general laziness to overtake any determination to focus on something that feels like actual work. Sure, tonight it’s a youtube addiction, but if it weren’t that it’d be Tumblr or something else. A movie maybe. I even tried bribing myself with an expensive jacket that I’ve wanted for months. Nothing. And what about my book? I want so deeply to be successful – a successful author, a successful blogger, a successful youtuber, and a successful journalist, and here I can’t even be bothered to study for my final exams, and I didn’t film or edit because I needed to study. So now I have to film four videos and edit seven in a three day period after failing this final tomorrow morning. Even writing this is a way to procrastinate studying.

And this is nothing new; this is literally the same lecture I give myself every time I procrastinate to the absolute last minute, even down to this part about how I always say the same things and never change. I know what will make me happy in life. I’ve always known I strive towards success, and that overshadows all else in my life. So why is it that if my worst fear is failure, I often walk so close to the edge of it? Do I just think I didn’t really fail if  never tried? Because that’s stupid and wrong. Maybe I think I can’t fail. Also stupid and wrong. And if it comes down to what I really want in life, will I be able to put in the work? Write the book, film and edit good videos, blog regularly, finish school properly? 

I can do it. Am I a wuss? No, I’m not and I will do it…I need to work out after I film tomorrow. 

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts Before My Final (Word Vomit)

  1. Sometimes, I find I just need to get the words out, even if I think they won’t help. I hope that you feel a little better. ❤

    Sometimes, it's also good to take a break; we can wait a while for videos if you need the time. I can't really give much advice, but I understand the feeling of having not done anything whilst also needing to do so much. Maybe write a list (ha, it doesn't help me, but maybe it will help you?) and try and do things as you wake up, in the morning? I know this is kind of short term, but sorry. I hope you feel brighter soon! 🙂

    1. Thank you, this was lovely ❤

      I wrote this a couple of days ago before my last final, so I have most definitely calmed down. I'm actually packing up to travel Europe for 12 days now, and I'm hoping during that time I'll sort of re-asses how I should prioritize and handle things. I'm also hoping it will help kick start my motivation back to a functioning level.

      I do write lists often. SO many lists. Daily to do lists, weekly to do lists, lists of goals for the next two years of my life. Haha. They help, but not if I can't get myself to focus.

      Thanks again for being so nice!

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