Why don’t I ever focus? Do I just honestly care so little? I think my faith that things will always work out permits my general laziness to overtake any determination to focus on something that feels like actual work. Sure, tonight it’s a youtube addiction, but if it weren’t that it’d be Tumblr or something else. A movie maybe. I even tried bribing myself with an expensive jacket that I’ve wanted for months. Nothing. And what about my book? I want so deeply to be successful – a successful author, a successful blogger, a successful youtuber, and a successful journalist, and here I can’t even be bothered to study for my final exams, and I didn’t film or edit because I needed to study. So now I have to film four videos and edit seven in a three day period after failing this final tomorrow morning. Even writing this is a way to procrastinate studying.

And this is nothing new; this is literally the same lecture I give myself every time I procrastinate to the absolute last minute, even down to this part about how I always say the same things and never change. I know what will make me happy in life. I’ve always known I strive towards success, and that overshadows all else in my life. So why is it that if my worst fear is failure, I often walk so close to the edge of it? Do I just think I didn’t really fail if  never tried? Because that’s stupid and wrong. Maybe I think I can’t fail. Also stupid and wrong. And if it comes down to what I really want in life, will I be able to put in the work? Write the book, film and edit good videos, blog regularly, finish school properly? 

I can do it. Am I a wuss? No, I’m not and I will do it…I need to work out after I film tomorrow. 

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