Letters From Exchange: The One Where I Want to Get Better

So, that last post was a bit of a downer, eh? (there’s that time spent in Canada showing through). Yeah, I wrote it and fell into a deep spiral of self hate that I had to sleep off. I hardly ate that day, but then I got so weak that I had to get McDonald’s after the Kooks concert because I knew I wouldn’t eat if I just went home, and my legs weren’t supporting me well. I know it’s unhealthy and I ate like three days worth of calories at 1am, but I think it was healthier than allowing myself to not eat given the mindset I was in. I have never developed an eating disorder and I am not about to allow that to happen now.

Not that that silly pat on the back is over with, I do have a long way to go. I know that. Not just with loving myself, either, but with a variety of things. I’ve spent the last few days holed up in my ridiculously messy room, taking mental health days from school because my anxiety was running too high, not really working hard on anything in the process. I know self care is important and I shouldn’t feel down about that, but it’s about time I get to back on my feet.

I pride myself in always having a goal and knowing that I can accomplish anything, so it’s about time I prove it. I’ve been focusing on my videos lately and I do think the content is getting better, and I’m happy about that. I want that to keep going. I really need to write for my book more, even if it’s just one day a week. I should do that. Okay, Sunday is officially book writing day (but not this Sunday, because I have an essay due Monday that I haven’t started on yet). Once that essay’s done, I need to start doing my school readings more. I’ve scheduled them down, so now I just need to follow through.

Wow, this letter is really going against the whole “no glory in the process” motto, huh? Oh well, sometimes I need to talk about the things I plan on doing in order to really hold myself accountable for them. 

Okay, so, videos, writing, school work, those are all of the most important things for me to keep up with aspiration-wise, but of course none of it means anything if I can’t love myself in the process. Sure, I’ll be happy with the work I’m doing, happy with my brain, but I won’t feel confident in my body, and I think that will show. And it will be important to me, even if it doesn’t. 

I am going to continue working out and trying to eat healthy, because I am at an unhealthy place physically and I don’t like it. But to really deal with the issue of my self hatred, starting tomorrow, I am going to keep a journal where every single day I will write down at least one thing I love about myself (what better day than Valentine’s Day to start celebrating self love?). It could be my smile, my response to a situation, my love for Harry Potter. It can be anything, but something different each and every day. And I’m going to hold myself accountable for it by posting it on this blog. Not tomorrow, because that’s the day it starts, but rather once a week, every week, I will post down the things I loved about myself that week, and all of this will be called “365 Days of Self Love.” Sorry, don’t think I ever will get better with titles.

I don’t know if this will make everything all better, in fact I’m sure it won’t at first, but I think it’s a good start down a path to a mentally healthier me, and I need that. 

I’m going to end this letter with a song, which I was fortunate enough to hear the end of live when I walked in as the opening act for the Kooks was finishing (whoops, maybe should have gotten there earlier…sounded great either way). I hope you’re all constantly getting better.

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